Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
