I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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