The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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