dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
