I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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