Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
