I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
