Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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