Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
