Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
