Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
