a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
