idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
