well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
