if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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