I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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