I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
