Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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