Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
