apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
