I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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