i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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