If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
