I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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