he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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