Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dignity is for republicans.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
