found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The air was thick with penises
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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