I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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