I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
