I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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