I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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