tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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