Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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