I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
