you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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