I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
