that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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