According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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