If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
