you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
