sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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