I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
