"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
