The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My cat gives me a boner
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
