i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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