I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
