I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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