I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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