so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
