I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
