Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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