I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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