I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
