My cat gives me a boner
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
