I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
